bilateral BK amputees / Grandmother / life

“Let it go”

It had been a particularly rough day at work. Snow piled up outside the night before so I had to wait until the plow came through to attempt to navigate my neighborhood in trying to get to the main roads that morning. It was a shortened day because of the “snow wait” and I never seemed to be able to get ahead. When time came to go home, At least the roads were clear and the car heater worked. Sort of.

I pulled in, thankful the millionth time for having an attached garage and went in the house. I had forgotten to open the front window curtains before leaving  so the room was especially dark.  And quiet.  Oh, so quiet.

I looked around.  Nothing was out of place because I had cleaned two days before.  I stood in the open door, keys in hand and started crying. Crying about nothing, about everything.  Just crying. I’ve felt it before but with the extreme cold and snow outside, the darkness of the room the all-consuming quiet… It made me sad.

At that moment I felt more alone as I ever had before.  There was the slightest hint of coffee aroma in the air from the half emptied morning’s pot, but other than that, there was nothing “human” there.

So I closed the door, turned the lock and cried more.

I am not a normally sad person. I see the glass half full most of the time.  But there are times when the glass is not half empty, it’s bone dry.  That’s how I felt.

Yes, I live alone now. My husband, my mother are both gone. But I have a good life and I’m usually happy about it.  But not that day. It was just one of those days when you question your life…or lack thereof.

I didn’t feel like cooking so I grabbed a bowl of cereal and went to the front room.  I sat down and was going to turn the TV on but picked up my notebook instead. It powered up and opened to Facebook. There, in the still dark room, I watched a video taken of my grandson, Bennett.

He was in the shower, singing his 4 year old lungs out.  Having recently seen “Frozen”,  he was belting out the song sung by the heroine in the story, “Let it go!”  Over and over he sang.   “Let it go!  Let it go! Let it go!” Flinging out his washcloth to imitate the magic begin thrown in the air by the character.  My son filmed it and it will no doubt be used as “someday” embarrassment in front of a special girlfriend.

“Let it go! Let it Go!”

So I did. I smiled.  It was impossible not to smile.  I let go of the sadness and smiled at the wonder of this balls-to-the-wall singing of a sweet innocent 4 year old who enjoys life and legos and Disney movies.

Why do we sometimes forget that kind of joy as we grow older?

“Let it Go!”

The video  lasted 49 seconds.  49 wonderfully magical seconds.  Two days later and I’m still smiling.

Thank you, Bennett.

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